Probably most of you watched the recent TV special, "Alien Autopsy: Fact or Fiction." For those who missed it, here's a recap:
A black-and-white film was recovered from 1947 when a UFO crashed in Roswell, New Mexico, during an electrical storm. The film shows the alleged alien passenger retrieved from the alleged alien wreckage--lying dead on an alleged table--being seriously autopsied.
Now, fifty years later, with sightings and encounters becoming so commonplace, it's hard to escape reports of aliens hovering over people's campsites or beaming down into somebody's hot tub. And there's probably some witness right in your zipcode area who's already spotted one in the check-out line at Wal-Mart.
The real question is, if the extraterrestrials have arrived, why are they only visible to a select and chosen few? Why aren't they mingling, blending, and integrating into this great melting pot of America?
Answer: Aliens have no rights. And they know it. They've already discovered that definitive clause right in our national constitution--the one about inalienable rights. Translation: "Aliens, you can hover, you can land, you can refuel and hit the rest rooms--but that's it. You have no rights. Sorry. Tough nuggies."
How fair is this? Where is our time-tested sense of equality, with liberty and justice for all? What about equal opportunity? Green cards? Employment? Social security? Alien Liberation is the next obvious frontier. So now is the time to check into this cutting-edge profession: lobbying for alien rights.
With favorable legislation, it's only a matter of time before aliens can appear on Oprah. Then TV producers could approach them to host their own talk show, titled by their own first names--like OOOZEMAY. And then AT&T will sign them on for endorsements, advertising the lowest long-distance phone rates to anywhere in the galaxy.
And here's an extra benefit to consider (not that you need one). If you start crusading now, they'll probably agree not to wreak havoc with your TV reception. Maybe they'll even promise not to land in your driveway in the middle of the night and set off your security alarm. And finally when aliens are enjoying equality, you'll have the satisfaction of knowing that you in your own small way helped put them in charge of our planet.
This could prove to be one of the decade's most rewarding professions. Besides, somebody's gotta do it.
©Patricia Jacobs 1995