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Mall Sterility Study

by Dowling Woods

Recent study shows sterility of Coral Ridge Mall reduces both creativity and sperm count in test subjects.

A recent study by The University of Iowa Oakdale Campus Auxiliary Undergraduate Science Club indicates that the apparent cultural sterility of the Coral Ridge Mall is having an adverse effect on both the intellectual and reproductive capacities of mall visitors. “It’s one big TV show,” says Oakdale researcher Nellie Forbush, a native of Little Rock, Arkansas, “there’s nothing there that you haven’t already seen on TV.” Forbush speculates that the lack of new input to the cerebral cortex experienced by shoppers at the mall dulls them to the infinite variety of life that a more varied shopping experience such as downtown Iowa City would offer.

A more serious development is the discovery of lower sperm counts in male mall visitors. Extensive testing sponsored by Bike Athletics, sited in the men’s restroom of the Scheel’s sports store at the mall, indicates that male mall shoppers are losing fertility at an alarming rate. The control group, tested in a garment changing room at Ragstock in downtown Iowa City, had much higher sperm counts, and scored higher on creativity measures such as tangential thinking, field independence, and a surprising degree of comfort with non-matching socks.

One exception to the ongoing concerns of both creativity and motility diminution at the mall is the Hot Topic store, which researchers described in an uncharacteristically vivid way as a sole “raisin of creativity” in the midst of a bunch of oatmeal. One reason for the store’s high score was it’s willingness to admit visitors who weren’t wearing black clothing or pink hair, despite the proliferation of that styling in store employees. Even polyester leisure suit wearing researchers were treated politely. The same kindness was not extended to male researchers visiting mall anchor stores sporting spiked hair and Madonna–style bustiers.

Researchers speculate that Hot Topic Store owners may be direct descendants of the former owners of the River City Free Trade Zone, a popular shopping district in downtown Iowa City in the late Sixties, which included several indoor tents, a Dome, and more beads and other paraphernalia than anyone from that era can remember.

One fascinating development is that Iowa women who are interested in limiting family size have begun repeatedly sending their husbands to “pick up something” at the Coral Ridge Mall, evidently in the belief that their husbands will be rendered sterile by repeated visits. One Odebolt, Iowa, native (on condition of anonymity) said “Heck, yes, I send ol’ Bob down there anytime I can. It gets him out of the house and keeps the buns out the oven, if you know what I mean.”

The Oakdale campus Researchers have submitted their study for publication in the International Journal of Consumptive Behaviour, and hope to see it published soon. One innovative element of the study is the researchers coining of the term “coralridgespatialsterilackacreativitis” to describe the syndrome.

Rumours of cures are already circulating, but most involve shopping in areas where product items and shop dimensions are less predictable, and locally conceived, grown and/or fabricated goods are available in abundance.

Research study details are available online at http://www.oakdalecampus.org/ping/pong/$&()$$E$DSDUIN/YG?hiphop/lacka.html

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